The World to Her
by VeraRose19
Summary: Nobody saw the insecurities that visited her every night, no matter how successful she had become. Or that even when she was holding back an addict's hair while they puked and cried, that the urge for a hit was still in herself. And nobody could fathom the guilt she forever harboured in her heart. "Come on, you," she urged her daughter. "Grandma is waiting." [Complete]
1. Chapter 1

"Thanks for the lift," Nicky Nichols said, handing her driver his fee with a generous tip. She opened the door in the back seat of the cab and swung one leg out first, tapping the toe of her black patent bootie on the curb. The flared leg of her black slacks flapped around her ankle in the heavenly September breeze. Nicky pulled the sunglasses perched on top of her head down over her eyes and stepped out onto the sidewalk.

"Same time tomorrow?" the driver called over his shoulder. He was a portly man with a balding head in his late fifties. Nicky had hailed down his cab one spring day by chance, two years ago, and they'd had so much fun, cracking each other up the whole ride, that she had recruited him to be her full-time personal driver ever since.

"Huh?" Nicky spun on her heel. "Oh, sorry, Tony, I forgot to tell you. No, I won't need a ride to work tomorrow. I'm taking a long weekend instead."

"Good for you," Tony praised. "You deserve it. You've been working longer and longer hours lately."

"Helping people battle their own addictions has become a new addiction of mine," Nicky joked, tossing her curly hair back.

A group of people passing on the street paused to give her a second glance. Always an attractive girl, Nicky had adapted to a more polished, professional look once released from prison and turned heads wherever she went. At forty-seven, she was more beautiful than ever and could easily have lied and taken ten years off her age. Her wild mane of frizzy curls was cut shoulder-length and conditioned to look bouncy and soft. Her makeup was minimal and she was wearing an elegant pantsuit with low heeled pointed pumps.

She flashed Tony a mischievous grin. "I'm driving us myself."

"I'm terrified," Tony replied. "What road are you going to be taking? So, I can steer clear of it…"

"Very funny," Nicky rolled her eyes.

"Didn't you once tell me you stole a cab and totaled it in under two seconds?"

"Is that why you never leave the keys in the ignition when you pull over for your endless smoke breaks?" Nicky complained.

"Answer the question," Tony smirked.

"Yesterday is history, my friend. And I've taken Driver's Ed," Nicky said, holding her hand up in surrender. "Don't worry, you've still got your job. Turns out city driving gives me an insane case of road rage and I can't parallel park to save my life."

"So, where are you headed for the weekend then?" asked Tony.

"The countryside," Nicky replied vaguely, giving him a curt shrug of her shoulders. "I'll need you to pick me up on Monday, though. It's just a short trip. You know I can never stay away from the office for too long…"

"Eight o'clock?" Tony asked.

"You know it," Nicky said, giving him a thumb's up. She reached back into the car for the briefcase set on the seat beside her. "Enjoy your weekend off, Tone. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"What haven't you done?" Tony teased, before Nicky closed the door in his face.

She was standing on the sidewalk directly in front of an elegant Townhouse strip made from white stone. It was three levels tall, not including the finished basement that walked out into her private garden, complete with a hot tub. Her townhouse boasted five spacious bedrooms, five bathrooms, two living rooms, and a kitchen that would be any chef's dream. The place was beautiful from head to toe and entirely over-the-top. Nicky loved living there though and had called it home for almost thirteen years. It was a great place for entertaining and she filled all the extra bedrooms with friends, anytime they felt like staying over.

"I'm home!" Nicky announced, swinging open the front door and stepping into the foyer. It was bright and open. The sun shone down on the whole place from the glass panelled window in the ceiling. The winding staircase curved through the house up all of its levels and could be seen from the entrance in its entirety.

"Hello, Miss. Nicky," Paloma greeted her with a smile, which Nicky returned.

Paloma was not dressed in her maid's uniform but in a comfortable pair of jeans and a linen tunic. Nicky had promised her former nanny if she agreed to come work for her that she would never be as fussy of an employer as her mother before her. Paloma lived in the townhouse with her, and instead of the maid's room off the kitchen, Nicky had given her her own suite upstairs and free reign of the house as a valued member of the family.

It might not have always been obvious when Nicky was growing up, but she did everything now to ensure Paloma knew how much she appreciated everything she did for her. The older woman might have wrinkles on her cheeks and around the eyes that hadn't been there before, and her black hair had turned an attractive silver grey, but she was still as robust as ever. Nicky loved having her there.

"How is she?" Nicky asked eagerly. It was the first question out of her mind every single day when she got home from work. She always felt guilty about going, giving so much of herself away when she could have easily stayed at home. Nicky didn't need to work for them to continue to enjoy the privileged lifestyle they had, but she was passionate and devoted to the foundation she had built from the ground herself. It was her baby.

Paloma reached her hands out for the briefcase and watched as Nicky bent down to remove her shoes. She'd stayed on the straight and arrow since her release from prison nearly fifteen years ago. She'd stayed sober and was a regular at AA meeting, even now. Nicky never wanted to take her second chance for granted, especially when it was a gift that was denied to so many others. So, she'd thrown herself into self care to aid her recovery and then started her foundation to give back by helping other addicts and their families cope. Her organization had grown into a successful and recognized treatment center, and Nicky couldn't have been prouder. It was the part of her life she was most proud of and every single day was busy and fulfilling.

"Oh, she's fine," Paloma assured her. "She hasn't talked to me much today, though."

Nicky chewed on her bottom lip and nodded her head. This news didn't surprise her. "She's mad at me," she sighed. "I think a weekend away together will do us some good. I've been so busy lately and she's been...difficult."

"Like mother, like daughter?" Paloma suggested with an understanding smile. "I remember you were the same way at that age."

"Don't say that," Nicky groaned, tossing her head back dramatically. "I'm pretty sure I was a million times worse though."

"Water under the bridge," Paloma reminded her, as she always did. "You turned out pretty good in the end."

Nicky flashed her nanny a grateful smile, her brown eyes sparkling. She was happy. Happier than she had ever been in her life, proud of the woman she was, especially since she had had a hell of a time becoming her. Her life was blessed and to anyone peering through the glass, it would seem she had it all. A gorgeous home, money to travel anywhere in the world if she wanted, a beautiful twelve-year-old daughter, and amazing friends that had seen her at some of her lowest points and still loved her.

Nobody saw the doubts and insecurities that revisited her nearly every night no matter how successful she had become. They didn't realize that even when she was holding back an addict's hair while they puked and cried from the pain, that the urge for a hit was still in her. And nobody could fathom the guilt she forever harboured in her heart, despite every effort to make what she'd had to do count for something.

"Is Galina in her room?" Nicky asked.

"Yes," Paloma nodded. "I told her to start packing because I knew you wanted to leave right away."

"It's a long drive," Nicky reasoned. Her lips twisted anxiously and she brushed her hair back from her face.

"I think she's a little nervous," Paloma confided, speaking in a hushed whisper. She took a couple of steps closer to her former nannying charge, now the parent. "She won't say much, but I think it's hard for her to see her in that place."

Nicky nodded her head again slowly. "I still want her to come this time though," she said firmly. "I probably should have been more consistent about taking her for visits but it's awkward for me too, you know? I don't like going either."

"It means the world to her when you do," Paloma reminded Nicky gently. "That's what you always tell me when you come back. You're always glad afterwards that you went."

"We're all she has left," Nicky said quietly. "But sometimes being a good person really sucks."

Paloma flashed Nicky an understanding sort of smile. "Shall I put this in your office for you?" she asked, motioning to the suitcase she was holding with both hands.

"Please," Nicky nodded. She padded over to the stairs in her nylon clad feet. Gripping the banister, she hurried up the winding staircase, taking precautions not to slip.

Her daughter's bedroom was on the upper level. She said she liked to be on the top floor so that she could see the stars, which were never even visible over the city lights anyway. Nicky suspected that her daughter really just liked being on her own floor because it provided maximum privacy. The door was closed and locked, Nicky was not surprised to discover, when she tested it.

"Galina?"

"What?" the twelve-year-old called back.

"Honey, it's time to go," Nicky sighed. "Are you packed?"

"Nearly."

"Open up," Nicky urged, tapping her nails impatiently against the wood of the door.

She heard some grumbling on the other side and then the sound of lock clicking open before the door swung open to reveal the girl, who could have been Nicky's twin. Her hair was wild and long and enormous brown eyes. She was wearing a pair of pajama shorts and a pink camisole.

"Kid, you're not even dressed," Nicky complained, stepping into the room.

Every inch of the pale blue walls was covered in posters and photographs of Galina and her friends. The desk under the window was buried under messy stacks of homework and clothes that had been dumped there. More clothes littered the floor and spilled out of the closet. On the dishevelled bed was an open suitcase that so far just held a never used hairbrush, a bottle of strawberry scented shampoo, and their pet Bichon Frise.

"You're nearly packed?" Nicky raised her eyebrows at her daughter.

Galina pouted, sticking out her bottom lip and crossing her arms across her chest. "I don't even want to go," she complained.

"Come on, honey," Nicky groaned tiredly. She walked over to the dresser and began to pick out the proper number of socks, panties, and training bras her daughter would need for a weekend away. "We're going to have fun."

"No, we're not," Galina argued. "How is going to a place like that fun for anyone?"

"We'll do other things too," Nicky reminded her. "I've booked us a nice hotel and I was thinking maybe we could rent a boat and go out on the lake. Pack a picnic. That sounds fun, doesn't it?"

"I guess," Galina shrugged.

"Work with me a little," Nicky pleaded, tossing the undergarments into the open suitcase and then removing the dog. "Go get dressed and I'll finish packing for you."

Galina whined a little but dragged her feet into the ensuite bathroom to do as she was told. Nicky quickly picked out some clean clothes from the closet and placed them into the suitcase. She understood her daughter's reluctance. It wasn't easy to see anyone like that, and at Galina's young age, she didn't understand why things happened the way that they did.

Nicky finished packing and then walked impatiently into the bathroom, where her daughter was taking her time in a lingering shower. "Come on, you," she prodded, shaking the shower curtain to get her attention. "Grandma is waiting."

**Thank you for reading. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much for the reviews. I hope you also enjoy this chapter and that it answers at least some of the questions. **

Nicky would never forget the first time she had walked through the doors of the maximum-security prison as a visitor. Her four-month-old baby girl was cradled in her arms and an extreme aura of awkwardness filled the air. Galina had been fussy. Alternating between crying and sucking aggressively on the pacifier Nicky kept shoving in her mouth.

"It's like you already can tell this is an unhappy place," Nicky could remember saying, while bouncing her daughter impatiently in the long line to walk through the metal detector. "Or maybe you just know _I'm _sad, and you're trying for some empathy…"

Lifting Galina up over her shoulder, Nicky had patted her back and stared dully ahead to where a pair of unfamiliar guards had been going through everyone's bags. She hadn't been back to the prison since her release, though it hadn't been her choice.

Nicky had tried to get onto Red's visiting list right away only for it to be denied by the prison administration. There had never been any clear reasoning why Nicky was not able to come visit her. She supposed it was just because they enjoyed exercising their power. When she'd tried to fight it, the prison had stated that nobody on probation was permitted to visit an inmate, and since they weren't considered family in any official capacity, no exception could be made. The first three years after Nicky had got out were some of the loneliest in her life. She often joked that that was what had made her decide to have a baby in the first place.

"I've just got bottles and diapers in there," Nicky had informed the brusque guard who had snatched her bag right off of her arm. "Don't know why anyone would even bother to bring something illegal in with you detectives on the watch. Besides, I'd have to be like a magician to zap in through the glass wall."

Galina had started fretting more loudly, so Nicky turned her around in her arms so that she could see what was going on. "Don't take the lid off the nipple though! It needs to be sterile," Nicky had ordered warningly, with the ferociousness of any mama bear wanting to take care of her baby. She'd watched carefully as the guard lifted Galina's bottle up and shook it in his hand before snatching it back. The encounter had aggravated her already fussy baby, and once she had entered the visiting room, she began walking circles to try and calm the baby down.

Red had known all about her little namesake already, as Nicky had gotten into the habit of writing her long-winded letters every single night before she went to bed. She'd drop them in the mailbox every morning without fail, and take a little comfort in that it made her feel like Red had been a part of her day.

Nicky would overshare on everything; from what she had eaten for dinner, watched on tv, or interesting people she had ran into in the city. She'd sent Red copies of the ultrasound pictures during her pregnancy and later had given her a dramatic play-by-play of the birth and what she had considered to be a difficult three-hour labour.

Red had been touched when she learned what Nicky intended to call her daughter, though perplexed by the choice as well. As though she hadn't thought she was worthy, she'd suggested Nicky want to reconsider, but Nicky had her mind made up. She'd wanted a tangible reminder that Red would always have a place in her and her daughter's lives. It was one of the reasons that she had been especially thrilled when she'd found out she was carrying a girl.

The letters had kept them bonded. Nicky had understood that even the most monotonous details of her life would be interesting to someone whose entire world was a cell block made from concrete. Red's replies had always been less forthcoming, filled with questions yearning for more insight into Nicky's life. She'd never talked about her own. Yet, despite being entirely kept up to date with every aspect of Nicky and little Galina's life, Red had still looked utterly shocked when she saw Nicky there with her baby for the very first time.

They hadn't sat down right away. Nicky could remember a few seconds pause and then the way Red had leaned close to the glass from a standing up position, her arms supporting her weight. Her eyes had locked onto the baby that Nicky had immediately held up for her to see better. Galina had stopped fussing almost at once. She'd stared blinkingly up at Red with a curious expression on her face, as though trying to wonder why there was a glass wall separating them, but understanding anyways that she was going to be an important person in her life.

"_She's beautiful," _Red had mouthed through the glass, looking up at Nicky for the first time. Nicky had smiled warily back. She'd used the precious few seconds when Red was examining the baby for her to scrutinize Red, and she was saddened by what she saw.

The time hadn't been kind to Red. In three years, she looked to have aged at least twelve. She appeared to be, in every sense, a very old woman. The light seemed to have gone from her eyes. She seemed tired and fragile. Nicky had observed how slowly Red had lowered herself into her chair when they sat down, and the way her hand had shook when she'd picked up the phone.

"She looks like me, huh?" Nicky had asked, jiggling the little baby in one arm while she held onto the phone with the other. Galina was gurgling happily as she contemplated her two tiny fists, deciding which to shove into her mouth first, but Red could hear none of that through the glass between them.

"Well, of course she does," Red had agreed, her eyes transfixed on Galina. "You made her all by yourself from sperm in a tube, so how could she look like anyone but you?"

"That's not exactly how it works," Nicky had laughed, "but I get what you're saying. She's all mine. And she's _your _granddaughter."

Red had compressed her lips and her entire lined and pale face had seemed to suddenly droop a little. "I wish I could hold her," she whispered, extending her arm to press the palm of her hand to the glass.

"Soon," Nicky had said softly.

"She'll be big by then," Red had replied sadly.

Nicky hadn't known what to say to that. She shifted Galina from her perch on her lap to sit on the table. The baby continued suckling on her hands but became intrigued when Red began to tap her nail against the glass, arousing Galina's interest.

"She's very alert," Red had observed. "And so content in her mama's arms."

"Now," Nicky had rolled her eyes dramatically. "You just missed her screaming like a banshee."

"She's a smart girl," Red had replied. "Who doesn't want to cry in a place like this?"

Her blue eyes, once so mischievous and sparkling, had looked empty as she spoke those words. In an instant, the reality of where they were, temporarily obscured by the distraction of the baby, had became painfully impossible to ignore. Nicky would have done anything to change it and could feel the burn in her own eyes as she'd wondered whether what Red said had been a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It had taken all of Nicky's strength to pull herself together. It would have done no good to express how much she missed Red and wished she could have had her support and guidance. As Red had watched her warm and test Galina's bottle, Nicky had refrained from telling her that she had tried and failed in the hospital to breastfeed her. What was supposed to come so naturally, hadn't for her. And Red hadn't been there to teach her what to do.

"Motherhood suits you, honey," Red had said just before visitation had come to an end. It was that statement that Nicky had dissected over and over in the many years since Red had said it. She wanted it to be true. As hard as it had been, all Nicky had ever wanted was to be a good mom to her baby girl. The same daughter who had barely spoken two words to her since they'd set off on this little adventure. This was a new thing. Usually she never wanted to stop talking but the past year had been a challenging one for their family.

Despite jokes to the contrary, Nicky had managed to make maneuvering her car onto the highway headed out of the city look effortless and so far she had been enjoying the drive, despite its solitary nature.

Galina had spent most of the trip so far ignoring her mom, leaving Nicky alone to reminisce on a past that made it difficult to pull herself back to the present. She stared over at her daughter. Galina was watching out the passenger side window, the sad look on her face reflected in the glass. It had Nicky second guessing whether she had been right to make her come on this visit at all. It wasn't a fun thing to do. Nicky herself had been dreading it all week. She'd planned excursions to do with her daughter, ways to make this outing seem fun and normal. The last thing she wanted to do was traumatize her girl, but time was running out. And her heart told her that this was the right thing to do.

"Do you want to stop for a bite somewhere?" Nicky asked. Galina merely shrugged, her thumb cursing over her iPhone as she selected another song to play. Earphones were stuck in both ears and Nicky couldn't even be sure that Galina had even heard what she'd said, over the blast of music.

Bumping her head against the seat, Nicky slid her left hand off of the steering wheel and pushed down on the button that automatically lifted the hood of the car. The wind blew her hair around aggressively and Nicky tilted her head up to enjoy the sunshine on her face. Next to her, Galina was having a much different reaction.

"Seriously, mom," Galina groaned. She took her earphones out and bunched her curls all together in her hands to keep them from flying.

"What's the problem?" Nicky asked jovially. It was enough that her daughter had put down the phone and was paying her some attention.

"What was wrong with the air conditioning?"

"What's wrong with having the wind and sun on our faces?" Nicky replied. She could appreciate the simplistic beauty of a quiet country road when she'd spent the majority of her life in New York City. She didn't think anything could feel more freeing, and freedom was something she valued above all else in her life. Nicky often asked herself why she had waited so long in life to know this pleasure.

Galina rolled her eyes and flattened her curls with her hands even more firmly. "You know how hard our hair is to manage," she complained. "You keep this up and we'll both be walking around looking like we've got birds' nests on our heads for a week!"

"Make it easier for Grandma to recognize us though," Nicky chuckled. She raised her eyebrows suggestively at her daughter. "Make a statement? It would be a conversation piece…"

"Oh, I just think you like getting on Grandma's nerves," Galina said, the corners of her mouth tugging threateningly as she resisted the urge to smile.

"Well, the doctor says it's important to keep things the same, as much as possible for her," Nicky smirked. They passed a sign that told them they were fifteen minutes out of the town. That fact made her grip the steering wheel a little more tightly and she watched Galina's body stiffen as well.

"We have time to pop in for a brief visit before we head to the hotel," Nicky said, noting the time on the dash stated it was a quarter to six. Visiting hours went until seven.

"Galina?" Nicky said, flashing the back of her daughter's head a look of annoyance. Instead of answering her, Galina had chosen to turn her music back on instead.

"Yeah, I heard you," Galina mumbled.

"It might not feel like it now, but someday you are going to be thankful you did this," Nicky said gently, hoping she was right. They drove the rest of the way in silence. Through the pretty little town and past the lake.

"It's busy today," Nicky said in surprise. She turned her car into the parking lot and found a spot between two big trucks in the last row.

"Are you sure you want to do this right now?" Galina asked skeptically, watching her mom unbuckle her seatbelt, while she sat rigid and twisted the cord from her ear phone around her finger.

"No, but it's what we're doing," Nicky replied.

"Don't you think popping in for such a short visit is kind of mean?" asked Galina. "We're going to be all 'Hey Grandma, sucks you're stuck in here. We just decided to make a pit stop on the way to our luxury hotel on the water. Too bad you can't come."

"Yeah, maybe don't open with that," Nicky rolled her eyes. She shoved her keys into her pocket and opened her door. "Come on, kid."

Galina sighed loudly but reluctantly climbed out of the car to join her mother. She didn't protest when Nicky slung an arm around her shoulders but allowed herself to be steered toward the entry. ""Promise me you won't leave me alone with her," she pleaded pressing her cheek into Nicky's t-shirt.

"Why would I do that?"

"When we were here last time you stepped outside because you had to call work," Galina reminded her.

Nicky shook her head. "I don't remember that."

"Well, it better not happen again," Galina warned her. "If you leave me in there by myself, I'm going to walk right out behind you. I never know what to say to someone in that situation."

"That's never stopped you from talking before," Nicky replied.

"Could say the same about you," Galina retorted, lifting her chin off Nicky's shoulder to give her a knowing look. "It's like when a moment calls for silence, you take everyone else being quiet as an excuse for you to talk twice as much."

"You come up with that one on your own?" asked Nicky.

"No, that's something that Grandma said," Galina replied.

"Figures," Nicky muttered. They had finished walking across the parking lot and now stood in front of the doors. Galina had slowed their walking tremendously as they neared the entrance.

"Listen," Nicky said, as the automatic doors slid open. "I know you haven't seen her in awhile, but I was there last month and it was okay. She's not in any pain. Doctor said she can understand everything we say to her. So, we go in, you give her a hug, and then you tell her you'll be back tomorrow. I don't think she's exactly up for too long of a visit anyway. She sleeps a lot."

The door slid closed behind them and Nicky remembered she'd need to get a passcode from one of the nurses before they would be able to leave. This nursing home was one of the most highly rated in the state. Out of the city, the air was easier to breathe, the rooms were all private and comfortable, and it had an amazing view of the water. The distance also prevented her from being able to visit more regularly, a factor that had heavily weighed into Nicky's decision when she'd been browsing brochures.

"Hello, Nicky! We weren't expecting you!" a friendly voice exclaimed. Nicky and Galina both turned to see a petite blonde in pink scrubs rush over to them. Her name tag read Sadie.

"I prefer the element of surprise," Nicky told her, "Wouldn't want to get too predictable."

"Your mom is going to be so happy to see you!" Sadie smiled. "You know, I just adore her. The sweetest lady ever. I always try to steal her from the other nurses."

"That's not something I expected to hear," Nicky said, with a tight smile. "I thought she'd have everybody in this place cowering in fear by now. But they did warn there could be some personality changes following the stroke."

"Seriously, mom?" Galina said, for the second time today, rolling her eyes to the sky.

"You must be the granddaughter," Sadie said, looking between Nicky and Galina.

"One and only," Galina replied.

"You look like an exact carbon copy of your mom, and there's some of your Grandmother there too," Sadie observed. "What's your name again, sweetie?"

"Lina," Galina replied. She always dropped the -ga when referring to herself and everyone, aside from her mom, referred to her as Lina also. She'd never liked being stuck with such an unusual name.

Sadie smiled. "Your Grandma is going to be so happy to see you, Lina." She turned back to Nicky. "She's already in her room. We called it an early night, but she was up watching television when I left her. Let me take you down."

"Thanks," said Nicky. "We won't stay long. We're in town for the entire weekend, so we'll come at a better time tomorrow."

"Lovely," Sadie smiled. "Tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful. Perhaps you could take her out in the garden? I think she'd like that."

She guided them down the hall to the private suite at the end of the hall. Nicky had made sure she got the nicest room there was. Sadie had them wait out in the hall for a few minutes while she went in to let her know about the visitors and help her get ready if need-be.

"Grandma must hate it here," Galina was complaining, staring up at the name plaque screwed to the door. "That nurse acts like Grandma is an adorable doll she gets to dress and play with everyday. And suggesting we take her outside to stare at some flowers? Does that mean when we're not here they leave her staring at a blank wall or something?"

"Why don't you ask her how she is herself?" Nicky asked. "You can still understand her, for the most part, and she is more likely to talk now that you're here, then when I come alone. You know she likes you more than me."

"You know mom," Galina said thoughtfully, "I think the real thing is that she always knew that _I _loved _her." _ Very slowly she reached her hand out to touch the plaque on the door and began tracing her finger against the "M" in Marka, waiting for the nurse to come back and lead them to her Grandma.


	3. Chapter 3

Galina hesitated for only a moment when the nurse came back into the hall to tell them Marka was ready. She was more nervous than she could express, even to her mom, but Nicky seemed to understand anyway. Placing her hand on the small of Galina's back, Nicky gently guided her into Marka's private suite.

The curtains were still drawn open to catch the setting sun but Marka was facing away from that, her wheelchair parked in front of the television. She couldn't walk anymore and had extremely limited use of her left side. She needed help with most things and was almost completely dependent on the nurses for her care. Her days were spent in front of the television, aside from meals and sleeping. It was quite a boring existence for someone who had kept up with an active social life and interesting projects right until the stroke. Now she was nearly immobile. Brought here to die.

"Look who I brought with me," Nicky said, purposefully raising her voice so Marka would be able to hear her.

Marka turned her head in the direction of Nicky's voice and the lines around her eyes crinkled as she attempted to smile. Only half of her face would really cooperate. The right side of her lips curled up in slackened smile, while the left remained paralyzed, making her face look contorted.

"Lina," she whispered, her eyes transfixed on her granddaughter's face

"Hi, Grandma," Galina said, she forced a smile to her face.

Marka was wearing a pale blue cashmere sweater that matched her eyes and had a soft grey throw wrapped over her legs. The nurse had applied rouge to her pale cheeks and a light pink to her lips. She also had shared with some amusement that Marka had insisted on being changed from her nightgown into nice clothes before she would agree to see them. Though Nicky had rolled her eyes at that, she wondered now if Marka had been on to something. Bed clothes might have made her look sickly, but instead she managed to look as poised as ever, even from a wheelchair, and Nicky could sense Galina beginning to relax in the familiarity.

Nicky moved her hand up Galina's back and squeezed her shoulder comfortingly. "I wasn't sure if we would make it here to visit before you went to bed," she said. "But fortunately for you, I've got a lead foot."

"It was terrifying," Galina rolled her eyes dramatically at her Grandma. "Who thought it was a smart idea to let her drive?"

Marka gave an innocuous jerk of her head. "Not...good," she stuttered. Her voice was very faint and difficult to understand, but at least she could talk.

"And she wouldn't roll the windows up either," Galina said dramatically. "Look what she let the wind do to my hair, Grandma." She tossed her wild mane of curls dramatically.

"Pretty," said Marka.

"Pretty?" Nicky repeated. "When I did that you told me I looked like I had a mop on my head." Sensing Galina was beginning to relax, she lifted her hand from her shoulder and walked over to a comfortable armchair placed beside the window. She looked out at the garden, the flowers were in bloom and the sun was setting over a hill in the distance. It was a gorgeous sight and this was a good nursing home with excellent reviews, but Nicky couldn't pretend to herself that that was justifiable reason to move her mother two hours out of the city.

Looking back over at her mother and daughter, Nicky watched Galina retreat to a chair, but unlike herself, Galina dragged it closer to Marka before she sat down.

"It's so good to see you," Galina said gently, and though she was nervous to touch her, she placed a comforting hand on Marka's lacking arm.

She hadn't seen her grandmother since the stroke. It was she who had been the one to find her in the first place. Lying unconscious on the bathroom floor, Galina couldn't be sure how long she had been there when she'd returned to Marka's house from an outing with friends. She was only convinced that it had been far too long. As she'd rang for an ambulance and then sat holding Marka's hand until the paramedics came, all Galina could keep thinking was that this was somehow her fault.

"This place treating you okay?" Nicky asked Marka.

Marka gave a twitch that somewhat resembled a shrug. Nicky nodded her head like they were having a conversation. Marka had taken to living in the nursing home without much complaint, not that Nicky had really given her a choice. Before her stroke she had been managing excellently in a townhouse of her own just a couple blocks over from Nicky's, and Galina was a very frequent visitor. That house had been put on the market.

Marka's eyes shifted back to Galina, who seemed to have captured her entire interest. "Lina...gotten so big," she stuttered.

"It hasn't been that long!" Galina exclaimed, a guilty blush pinkening her cheeks. "I couldn't have grown that much."

"She's going to be taller than me," Nicky said. "That's for sure."

"Tall...baby," Marka said.

Nicky nodded her head in agreement. "Yes, she was."

"I was?" Galina asked, turning her head to face Nicky by the window. Her hand was still on Marka's arm.

"Oh, sure," Nicky said. "You were so long at birth that you must have been folded in half to fit inside of me."

"Lots...of...hair," Marka added, her eyes still transfixed on her granddaughter who smiled, immediately feeling better about her own. All three of them had been born with the same golden locks, though Marka had nearly flat-ironed her own into oblivion. Her hair was wavy now and the grey strands curled and flowed in every which way.

"Can I brush your hair, Grandma?" Galina asked, reaching up to tuck a strand behind Marka's ear. "Is your hairbrush in the drawer?"

She was already settling back into an aura of comfortability. It helped that she could sense that her presence was welcomed and that Marka seemed happy to see her. Galina had been afraid she would be angry; mad about being placed in this nursing home that Nicky claimed was the only option. And though she had known it was irrational, Galina had been terrified that Marka would blame her for the stroke in itself.

She was supposed to have been there. That had been the original plan. When Nicky was busy with work on the weekends, Galina had always enjoyed spending time with her Grandmother. She liked helping with flower arrangements for charity events, Broadway shows, and going out for lunch at the four seasons so that her Grandmother could show her off to her friends. Even though Galina knew it wasn't her thing, Marka had rarely missed a soccer game and they'd always spent a lot of time together.

Except for that particular Saturday, when Galina had cancelled on her Grandmother so she could go to the movies with her friends instead. While she was out, Marka had her stroke and Galina couldn't forgive herself for not being there. In her mind, earlier intervention would have minimized the effects and none of this would have happened.

Nicky had turned her focus to the television that was still playing, but in the corner of her eye she could see Galina searching for Marka's hairbrush in the bureau and then moving behind the wheelchair to tame the wild hair Marka had never liked. They were enjoying one another's company, and Galina seemed much better now that they were actually there.

"School is going pretty good…" Nicky half-listened to Galina break into an easy flow of one-sided conversation while she gently ran the soft bristle hairbrush through her Grandmother's hair with loving care. Galina talked in a way that didn't demand Marka chime in if she couldn't.

Curled up in the armchair in the corner of the room, Nicky felt every bit of the third-wheel she always had been whenever she'd come around Marka. Their relationship had always been strained, Nicky could probably count on one hand the number of times she and her mother had really connected in her life, but Marka had been different with Galina from the beginning. Though it hurt, Nicky had never done anything to forbid the relationship.

She still kept away from it as much as she could. Sent Galina on her own while she did her own thing. It was only now, with Marka debilitated and in need of Galina being brought to her, that Nicky had reluctantly stepped in. They were together again, she had done the right thing, and now Nicky turned her attention to the television that was playing Jeopardy. Though she tried to concentrate, her mind continued to wander…

"What the fuck do you mean it's too late for an epidural?" Twelve years ago, Nicky had fallen back against her hospital bed and let out a moan of frustration. Her hair was drenched with sweat and so was her forehead. She was wearing a soiled hospital gown, damp with blood and the waters from when her membranes had ruptured. The gown had ridden up and she was entirely exposed to anyone who walked into her hospital room, but she didn't care about that. She didn't even have enough energy left to pull it down.

The kind nurse who had been at her side since she'd arrived at the hospital in the back of a cab alone two hours ago, smiled. "It's going to be soon. You're progressing very quick."

"Tell me again why I thought this was a good idea?" Nicky demanded frantically. She was wrapping her hands around her back for support, as she adjusted her position in bed. Without consideration, she lifted the hem of her gown and wiped her sweaty face on it.

"I can't...I can't...I can't do this anymore." She was near tears as she said it. Her labour was short, but from internet articles she had read on the process of childbirth she'd known that a shorter labour wasn't always the blessing it seemed.

Her body had had no time to adjust with a gradual buildup in contractions. Instead she'd woken up from her afternoon nap feeling just as if somebody had stabbed a knife into her rounded belly and the contraction hadn't even ended when she was already reaching for her phone to dial for a cab. Although she'd expected to labour at home for several hours before transferring to the hospital, something inside of her had told her this was the real thing.

"Almost there," the nurse soothed. She brushed the hair back from Nicky's face and then rubbed her hand against the girl's curved back as Nicky sat straight up.

Her feet started pushing into the mattress in panic as she felt the beginnings of another contraction rising inside of herself, piggybacking off the previous without time to barely catch her breath. Nicky was screaming at the top of the lungs before it even really began to peak. She'd already had so many, each lasting two to three minutes respectively. She was terrified of them and found she couldn't really relax in between because she was panicking about when the next one was going to start.

This one was the worst one yet. It felt like two hands were inside her stretching it open and the baby pressing down was hitting her spine as it started to crown. Nicky screamed as the nurse stuck a hand inside her and then nodded confidently.

"I can feel the head," she said. "Couple more...you've still not at ten. But soon sweetie soon."

Nicky felt like the woman was speaking to her far away through a tunnel. Any minute, she felt like she was going to black out from the pain. She was twisting on the bed; her hospital gown was tangled somewhere above her waist and her belly was as hard as a rock. Nicky was writing so much that the nurse and her aide each moved to one side of her, afraid the labouring mother might fall off the bed.

"It's a long one," the nurse sympathized, a minute later when Nicky still hadn't rested. She had wild eyes and her scream had died off but only because she was exhausted. She moaned quietly in agony, grunting at the strain of it all. She didn't think she could do this anymore and the fact that there was no turning back was terrifying. The whites of her eyes were red from resisting the urge to push and her mouth was parched.

"Mom," she whimpered, in so much pain she wasn't even consciously aware that she had spoken the word out loud. The peak of her contraction had reached and was beginning its decent. "I want my mom," she sobbed, louder still. She had been doing so well up until this point, but childbirth was traumatic, her baby would soon be born, and Red wasn't here.

Of course, Nicky had never expected her to be. She knew that was impossible. Red was in prison and Nicky had made the conscious decision to have a baby alone. She craved a family. She wanted to be everything to this baby that Red had been to her. She had thought she was strong enough to do this by herself but now all she wished was that Red could be there to hold her hand.

"You want your mom?" the nurse asked. Before Nicky could even look up, she let out another high-pitched scream that could break glass. That contraction hadn't even permitted more than a few seconds of recovery. The nurse nodded to her aide who ran from the room, and then she checked Nicky's dilation again.

"Not quite," she sighed, patting Nicky's shaking leg. "But almost. Don't worry, honey. We're getting your mom."

Marka had arrived at the hospital approximately an hour after Nicky herself. She'd grown worried when Nicky hadn't answered her phone and when she'd driven by the townhouse, she'd purchased for her and saw that she wasn't there, Marka knew that the baby must be coming. Nicky was already three days overdue. She'd raced to the hospital and up to the maternity ward where she left her name with the nurse behind the desk and then showed herself to the waiting room to sit until she heard word.

"Ms. Nichols?" Marka looked up from the phone in her hand and stared at the young nurse's aide who had approached her.

"Has she had-"

"Not yet," the aide smiled. "But by the time we get back she might be ready to push. She is asking for you."

"Are you sure?" Marka asked skeptically, but she was already slipping the phone into the pocket of her blazer. Nicky had never asked her to be in the delivery room or to even come to the hospital was the baby was born. Even sitting in the waiting room, she wasn't sure if she was crossing lines. Nicky hadn't done anything to include Marka in her pregnancy, though she'd essentially used Marka's money through her trust fund to pay for the procedure. But at the nurse's aide confident smile, Marka got to her feet with an air of composure she didn't really feel.

"She forgot her hospital bag," Marka explained, picking up the blue duffel bag at her feet that she had found in the foyer of Nicky's townhouse when she stopped by.

"She was in a hurry," the aide smiled.

Marka walked briskly down the hall after the nurse's aide, feeling her heart begin to pound as she heard alterations between screaming and moaning growing louder as they got closer to Nicky's room.

"She doesn't sound good. Didn't you give her something?" she snapped worriedly.

"She'd doing fine," the nurse's aide replied. "In a matter of minutes all of this pain will be forgotten. Don't you remember what this was like?"

"They knocked me out when I had her," Marka replied breathlessly.

"Well, she wanted an epidural but there wasn't enough time," the aide replied. "She's about to start pushing."

"_Poor Nicky," _Marka thought to herself. She froze in the doorway of her daughter's room and watched in horror as she writhed in agony and pleaded for someone to help her. Nicky was beside herself with the pain and too distracted to even notice her standing there. The room was uncomfortably warm and crowded, with the nurse standing at the bedside and the doctor getting into position.

"Come hold her hand, mom," the nurse called, and Marka's feet suddenly felt like they each weighed a ton. All at once she became absurdly self conscious about what she was wearing. A beige pantsuit and a silk white blouse. Hardly dressed to assist at a birth and she didn't know what she was supposed to do anyway. Hold her hand? How? Nicky was gripping so tightly to the metal bar of the bed that it would take a crowbar to get her to let go.

Nicky's own nightgown was high above the waist and what Marka really wanted to do was pull it down. But then she was distracted by all the blood. The bedding was destroyed, Nicky's limbs were flailing.

"Ahhhhh," Nicky screamed, and in an instant Marka's hesitation gave way. She hurried to the bed and wrapped her hand tightly around Nicky's wrist. She'd moved on pure instinct, all thoughts from her head immediately dispersed.

"Wha-" Nicky had turned to look at her, but before anymore could escape her lips, before she could tell her to get lost, that she hadn't meant _her_, she was distracted as the urge to bear down overcame her.

"We're going to ask you to push on this next one, okay, Nicky?" the nurse instructed. They were getting the stirrups ready, guiding Nicky's feet into the holders for her, and the nurse taking charge motioned at Marka. "Hold her under the thigh and I've got the other. We'll help brace her legs."

"Okay," Marka murmured, moving her hands to Nicky's thigh like she had been told. The bare skin was slippery with sweat, blood, and waters. Marka struggled to get a firm enough hold on her daughter and wound up leaning forward, the arms of her expensive blazer providing friction to keep her steady.

"Push, Push, Push," the nurse was urging Nicky on.

"I can't!" Nicky was crying, fighting them at every turn. Though it was the last thing she couldn't ever imagine herself doing, Marka couldn't resist leaning forward to catch a glimpse of the baby's head pushing out before disappearing back inside its mother.

"You've got this, Nicole," Marka said, straightening up and getting a better hold on her daughter. She couldn't keep the excitement out of her voice all of a sudden, though she couldn't understand why Nicky had chosen to do this all by herself. "The baby is right there. It's coming. Just a couple big pushes."

Nicky listened and with the next urge to bare down she pushed with everything she had. She felt like she was being ripped in two, everything was burning, she felt pain in her eyes as a couple blood vessels popped. But in another second that was forgotten as a shrill little cry filled the room and the doctor placed the baby into her arms.

"A girl," Marka gasped with pleasure. "Ohhhh...Nicky."

Nicky didn't say anything. As she stared down at her daughter, she'd let out a delighted laugh and forgot about anybody else in the room. The baby had its eyes partially open, squinting up at her as Nicky ran her hand down the baby's length, over the slender legs and dainty little toes.

"She's a long little thing, isn't she?" Marka observed, leaning over the bed to catch a good glimpse.

"She's perfect," Nicky sobbed, tears of joy flowing down her cheeks. "Hello, little girl. You're so beautiful."

The medical team was still busy delivering the placenta, for which Nicky seemed hardly unaware of. She cradled her baby up by her breast. "You wanted to breastfeed, didn't you?" the nurse asked, and Nicky could remember nodding. Permitting the nurse to help guide the baby to latch where she was to suckle. Instead, the baby had merely nuzzled, having no interest aside from continuing to stare up at her mother. Her whole world, right then and there.

What she had just gone through to get to her, disappeared from Nicky's head the way mothers always say it does. A nurse placed a heated blanket over them both and they just snuggled. The two of them, safe together, in an often cruel world. And it was several hours before Nicky would allow anyone to take the baby from her to weigh or inspect. She passed her daughter off reluctantly and then got out of bed with the intention of taking a quick shower before she was brought back.

"Do you want some help?" Marka had been sitting mostly unnoticed in a corner of the room since the birth, but she stood up and walked quickly over to her side.

"No, I've got this," Nicky replied, shuffling to the bathroom. Blood was still pouring down her legs, leaving a messy trail behind her. A part of her thinking that if Red was here, she wouldn't even have asked. Red just always knew what to do, how to support in a way to make her feel loved and cherished. A small hand on the back right now would have been a wonderful encouragement but Nicky didn't _need _help in a physical sense, and that was all Marka was offering.

"I could call for a nurse?" Marka asked, but Nicky waved her off. She went into the bathroom and turned the faucet on hot. Stripping off the soiled hospital gown, Nicky stepped carefully into the tub. Her legs were a little wobbly, but otherwise she felt completely normal. All she wanted was to be clean.

"Nicole?"

"What?" Nicky yelled over the water pressure.

"Did you pack a change of clothes you'd like me to get out for you?" Marka offered.

Nicky stuck her head out from behind the current. "Where'd you get that?" she asked, frowning at the duffel bag she only now realized she'd forgotten.

"I was at your place," Marka explained. "When you didn't answer your phone, I guessed you might be here so I brought this along."

"Thanks," Nicky said gruffly. "Can you pass me my soap and shampoo?" Marka unzipped the duffel bag and pulled the two bottles out. She handed them to Nicky. "I've got pajama bottoms and a tank top. I brought my own pads too."

"You've lost so much blood," Marka said, finding the specified items and setting them on the counter beside the sink. "You're sure you're alright?"

"It's normal," Nicky called back. "Don't you remember?"

"No," Marka shook her head. "I guess I forgot." She peaked through the rest of Nicky's bag. Tiny pampers that would fit a little doll and several different sleepers. "Which outfit did you want her to wear?"

"Uhh...the green one," Nicky decided after a moment's hesitation. Marka took out the little green sleeper, matching hat, and a diaper and carried them back out into the room. An orderly was just finishing up, having stripped the bed and put out fresh linen. Marka watched them leave and then set the baby's things down on the mattress.

"A perfectly healthy little girl," the nurse exclaimed, walking back into the room with the swaddled baby in her arms.

Marka smiled. "My daughter is just taking a shower," she explained.

The nurse nodded. "Do you want me to put her in the bassinet or would you like her?"

"I'll...I'll take her," Marka said, after a moment's hesitation. She had never held a baby, aside from Nicky, and that had never been a particularly enjoyable task. Nicky had wailed and nothing she did would stop it, so Marka would get frustrated, which only would cause Nicky to cry even more. She could remember crying to Les that the baby didn't like her, which seemed absurd even then but still felt sort of true. After a week of sleepless nights and misery, Marka had hired the baby nurse she had sworn during her pregnancy she wouldn't have. What she'd intended to be a help over a rough spot had evolved into a way of life.

Inexperienced and ill-practiced, Marka was awkward when the nurse handed her her granddaughter for the first time. _Support the head, support the head_, she kept reminding herself of the most important rule, as she held the baby close to her chest. Marka turned around for verification from the nurse that she was doing this right only to see the nurse had already left, apparently having more faith in her abilities that Marka herself.

Marka patted the blankets down and sucked in her breath when the baby opened her eyes wide for a moment. She fully expected her to begin to cry at seeing who was holding her, but instead the baby cooed lightly and then went back to sleep. Though she didn't want to disturb this most precious of moments, she decided to get the baby dressed for Nicky anyways.

Laying the baby down on the bed she awkwardly undid her swaddle. They already had put a diaper on her in the nursery so Marka picked up the outfit Nicky had wanted and gently slipped the baby into it, doing up the tiny buttons with fumbling hands. It felt so peculiar to be doing up buttons this tiny. The matching pale green cap made her look like a little garden gnome, and Marka couldn't resist kissing her chubby little cheeks, before she gathered the baby back up into her arms.

"She looks so cute!" Nicky exclaimed, walking out of the bathroom looking infinitely better than she had going in. Washed and dressed in clean clothes, her tired face lit up as she walked over to take her daughter.

"Too cute to be real," Marka agreed, gently kissing the baby's cheek again. "Do you want to get back into bed first, darling?" she asked Nicky. "I'll pass her to you."

Nicky nodded. Climbing back into the bed, she pulled the covers up over herself and then held her arms out expectantly. "She really should breastfeed," Nicky said, slipping her breast out of her tank top and bringing it to the baby's mouth. "I read you're supposed to breastfeed within the first few hours for it to be successful."

"I don't know," Marka shrugged. "I never was able to breastfeed you."

"Red told me once that she breastfed her youngest for three whole years," Nicky said. She was trying to stick her nipple between the baby's lips, but the baby seemed drowsy and would not have a go at it. Aside from her brief wakeup in Marka's arms, she hadn't stirred at all while being dressed.

"_That seems excessive," _Marka thought to herself, but she knew better than to voice her opinions out loud. She'd learned pretty quickly what a sensitive subject Galina Reznikov was to Nicky...the mother who was apparently everything she herself wasn't. She had thought the relationship might die out now that Nicky was released, but the absence seemed to only make Nicky grow fonder. It left Marka constantly trying to pretend that she wasn't offended by the fact that her daughter considered a woman in prison, whose own sons barely tolerated her, to be a better mother than her.

"So, are you planning to breastfeed her for three years?" Marka asked curiously.

"No," Nicky rolled her eyes. "I always thought that seemed a little excessive."

Marka nodded. "I could find a lactation consultant to come help you?" she offered.

"No," Nicky shook her head. "I'll figure it out." The baby was so deeply asleep that she gave up trying to tempt her with her breast, and covered herself back up with her tank top. She could have easily joined her daughter in a sleeping bliss, her eyes were trying to close and she had to keep fighting it.

"Do you want me to take the baby so you can get some sleep?" Marka offered, as though she could read Nicky's mind. "I'll wake you when she's up."

Nicky hesitated, but she was so worn down that an offer of sleep sounded incredible. "Okay," she nodded. "But don't leave this room."

"I won't," Marka promised. She leaned back over the bed to take the baby from Nicky. Looking behind her, she found a chair in the corner and pulled it closer to the bed, so that the baby would be right beside Nicky the entire time. "Do you know what you're going to call her yet?"

Nicky had watched Marka settle herself into the chair with a pained expression on her face. The baby was cradled in her arms, as if Marka had any clue how to even hold a baby. As if she had ever even wanted to hold her own. Nicky could feel her resentment building, try as she might to stop it. This was a nice moment, the best day of her life. In her heart of hearts, she knew Marka had done nothing wrong, and was only trying to help her, but suddenly she was filled with a deep-rooted urge to snatch her baby back. It took all of her restraint to resist. She needed some sleep.

"I'm naming her for her Grandmother," Nicky said firmly, though until this very moment she had remained undecided about names. She punched her pillow into a more comfortable shape and then laid back down in the bed and pulled the blankets up over herself. "I'm naming her Galina."

**Thank you so much for the reviews. Red will be in the next chapter. **


	4. Chapter 4

It was very late when Galina was roused from her sleep by the sound of the balcony door being opened. The curtains were drawn back and the outside light was on. She could see a bunch of mosquitoes and moths swarming around its brightness through the large picture window of their hotel suite. The moon was full, white, and glowing up in the sky. It hovered over the black lake whose waves continued to brush up against the shore.

Galina rolled from her stomach to her back, stretched her arms above her head, and stared around the darkened room. The King size bed she was lying in was vacant, aside from herself. The pillows on her mom's side did not look like any head had laid on them that night.

"Mom," Galina called out. She rolled lazily off of the side of the bed, her feet hitting the floor. Straightening up, she padded across the carpeted floor. "You promised to sleep with me."

It went without saying. Galina always shared her mom's bed when they travelled. Unlike at home, where she kept her door shut at all times and rarely wanted anyone in, sharing a hotel room allowed for a little more transparency. Nicky was less distracted by work and more inclined to give her daughter her undivided attention. They could lay awake talking for hours, although this particular night had so far not gone at all like either expected.

After sharing a feast delivered by room service, Nicky had gone to take a long bath and Galina had spent the night texting with her friends. The television had hummed on in the background, and then it had been Galina's turn to take a shower while Nicky decided to check her emails from work. They barely spoke. Both consumed with their own thoughts about what visiting Marka had made them feel. Instead of drawing them closer, it seemed to push Nicky away that particular night, and Galina had fallen asleep waiting for her mom to come join her in the large bed.

"I'm out here," Nicky called through the screen door that was keeping the bugs from getting inside the hotel room. The main door was thrown wide open. The breeze coming off of the lake whistled through the air and through the spaces in the screen. Galina felt its coolness tickle her cheeks and inhaled the scent of fresh air contaminated with a faint whiff of cigarette smoke.

"I thought you quit," Galina complained, wrinkling her nose at the displeasing smell. She pulled open the screen door and slipped through the crack, quickly shutting it tight.

"It's a rare indulgence," Nicky replied, taking another long drag of her smoke. She blew out smoke rings, feeling a small flicker of pride at her skill, though Galina merely rolled her eyes.

"Smoking causes strokes," Galina said sternly.

Nicky exhaled a slow breath and watched her daughter sink into a bright red lounge chair. They never once broke eye contact. "Marka never had a cigarette in her life," she replied finally. "And she always took excellent care of herself. Sometimes these things just happen."

"You're her daughter," Galina pointed out. "Why are you trying to increase your odds?"

"I've always had a knack for beating the odds," Nicky replied lazily. She had her cigarette tapped over the ashtray, ready to be extinguished but just as she was about to put it out, she hesitated. Shrugging, she brought it back to her lips.

"I'm not sure that's something to be proud of," Galina complained, picking her legs up one at a time and wrapping her arms around them. She rested her chin on her kneecap and glared at her mother, who was continuing to smoke without inhibition. "Grandma said you were born with a desire to cheat death more times than she could count."

Nicky flexed the cigarette in between her fingers. "Well, there's much more to the story than that," she replied, bringing the smoke back to her lips for another puff. "We all have our vices. The ones I have to fight every day-the really bad ones, they make an occasional cigarette feel about as bad as indulging in a second cup of coffee."

"Why are you getting so dark?" Galina asked. "Should you go to a meeting or something?"

Nothing had ever been off limits in their household and Nicky had always been candid with her daughter about her heroin addiction and about the years she had spent in prison before getting her life together. It was what her work was centered around and the passion that it inspired in her bled into their home and on both of their lives. Helping others face their same demons had helped Nicky to fight off hers. She had never relapsed, although there were times she had been tempted to. Galina knew all about that.

"No, doll," Nicky shook her head and then patted the seat next to her. Galina wrinkled her nose at the idea of being that close to the cigarette smoke.

"Was seeing Grandma that hard on you?" she asked, sinking into a lounge chair on the other end of the balcony.

"No," Nicky replied automatically, she took another puff from her smoke. "No," she said again, after breathing it out. "That's just the way things go. Doesn't mean I don't feel bad for her."

"It would be impossible not to feel bad for anyone in that situation," Galina said. She leaned her head back; her thick head of curls was like a soft cushion against the hard plastic of the chair she was in. From outdoors, she could see the moon's fullness reflected on the waters that were rocking on the shores.

"I was so worried about how hard seeing her again like that would be for you," Nicky confessed, "but you did so good. You were so natural with her."

"I just tried to talk to her like I always talked to her," Galina shrugged.

"I saw that," Nicky replied, flashing her daughter a proud smile. "And I know she appreciated it. Grandma always wanted to be the product of envy; she would hate to be pitied."

"Like Baba?" Galina asked softly. Nicky's eyes glossed over for a brief moment and her lips pursed together like a duck. She nodded her head slowly in affirmation.

"I don't even want to imagine what Baba would have been like if the same thing had happened to her," Nicky's eyes widened dramatically in horror at the mere idea. "She would not have handled Marka's diagnosis graciously."

"Has to be better than prison, though," Galina said.

"I don't know about that, actually," Nicky said, after a moment's consideration. "Grandma is imprisoned in a whole different way. I think it would be pretty awful to have this whole world at your feet and be trapped in a body that won't do what you want it to."

"When you put it like that," Galina let out a heavy sigh. She turned to look back over at her mother. "Why can't she come home with us?" she asked quietly.

Nicky's face hardened at once. "You know why," she said quietly, a touch of annoyance in her tone for being questioned. They had had this discussion before. Or perhaps it had been less of a discussion, and more of her telling Galina how things were going to be.

"I know it wouldn't be easy," Galina pressed on. "But we could support her. You could hire someone to help."

"I can't imagine hiring anyone better than the nurses in the home she is in," Nicky said dismissively. "She is in a top rate facility with people to take care of her and in a community based on her needs. I think bringing her home to an environment that she can't really integrate into anymore would just be cruel."

"If it was Baba, you wouldn't even hesitate," Galina argued, a touch of anger rising into her own voice.

"That's not the same thing," Nicky said gruffly, looking a bit taken-aback by her daughter's argument.

A heavy silence fell between them. Galina shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She had caught, as she always did, the shadowy expression that crossed over her mom's face at her Babushka's mention. It was a look of pain, regret, and longing that went deeper than she would ever be able to fathom. For as long as Galina could remember, her family had shifted between two worlds with these two Grandmothers, two mother figures, who had imprinted upon her soul in different ways. From her earliest beginnings, she had learned to love them both, although it went without saying that her mom did not feel the same way about them.

Galina watched her mom put the butt of her cigarette into the ashtray and then start contemplating, fingering another.

"What would Baba say if she knew you were smoking?" Galina asked teasingly, trying to lighten the mood.

"You know, she was very unsympathetic to me when I had to quit cold turkey after getting pregnant with you," Nicky replied. "She said she was surprised I hadn't accidentally caught my 'big hair' on fire yet lighting them."

"How would you even accidentally do that?" Galina laughed. "You'd have to be pretty incompetent."

"I don't know," Nicky shook her head. "That's just what she said. A flair for the dramatic, always, but she was just so thrilled that you were on the way. Wanted to make sure I was doing everything right, eating enough….."

Her voice faded off. She knew she wasn't saying anything that her daughter hadn't heard several times before, but Nicky wanted it all to be ingrained in her memory. Red's stories were ones that needed to be told. Nicky wanted someone to care as much as she did, to understand how much it had meant her to receive Red's love and care, and to become her daughter. Red had given Nicky a family where they hadn't been one before, and in having Galina and giving her Red's name, Nicky had always felt like she was giving back to her.

"I don't think Baba would be upset if she knew you came to see Grandma," Galina said bluntly. For as long as she could remember, she had been able to sense Nicky's discomfort around Marka, though she had never really understood it. Red and Marka, they both were unequivocally Nicky's mothers but it had always been an open secret that Red was to be loved more. Yet, without Nicky's experiences with both women, Galina was not able to have the same divided loyalty.

"Of course, she wouldn't be," Nicky scoffed. "Red knew what it was like to have kids not come visit. She wouldn't wish that on anyone."

She slapped her hand hard against her forearm where a mosquito had just made its landing. "These bugs are bad," she complained, clapping her hands together in front of her to try and squash another one trying to get near. "Let's go inside and get some sleep."

Galina nodded her head and stood up to follow her mom back into the hotel suite. She walked back into the bedroom, while her mom went into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Standing in front of the sink, Nicky could hear Galina singing to herself in the next room. Pitchy and out of tune, but there was a simplistic joy in there. Like seeing Marka had lifted a weight off of her and she had overcome her fear about seeing her again. Galina had done so well at the nursing home, just like she had always thrived in every situation life, or her mom, had handed her. Such as being brought along to visits at the prison.

Nicky made eye contact with herself in the mirror as her mind drifted away. Back to a time when things had been different and she had still been hopeful...

"W, X, Y, and Z" Galina was singing into the phone. At three years old, she had been full of confidence and just like her mother, thrived on an audience. It was what made her enjoy talking on the phone to Baba almost every day, relishing in the adoration of a woman who hung on her every word. It was even better, when they'd make their almost weekly trips to the prison itself. Galina enjoyed showing off in front of the glass, basking in the glow of a woman who had eyes only for her. It always made her feel very special. "Now I know my ABC's, Next time won't you sing with me!"

"Very good, sweetie," Nicky said, clapping half-heartedly. She made to take the phone, but Galina pulled it tighter to her ears. She began rhyming off the days of the week for Red to hear.

"You want to hear me count?" she asked after. "I can count to twenty!" Without further ado she began to recite her numbers, stumbling over sixteen but Red looked impressed anyways. Galina attended one of the best pre-schools in New York City.

Red's eyes flashed briefly over in Nicky's direction and her lips twitched in an understanding smile as Nicky sighed and leaned back in her chair. Talking through the phone meant that only one visitor could speak at a time and Galina had begged to be allowed to say hello first. Always dedicated to fostering a relationship between them, Nicky had agreed. Though it was a little frustrating to be merely a spectator, and she felt another stab of resentment that there was glass between them at all. She hadn't gotten to hug her since she'd been released, and Red had never once gotten to hold Galina.

She looked so tired and her skin was very pale. Nicky worried more and more about her every time she saw her, but Red always smiled and was completely engaged the entire time they were there. They were the entire highlight of her existence and her only visitors. Galina wasn't scared to be at the prison. She had been doing it since she was four months old and had never really questioned the absurdity of having to see Red that way. Nicky had always just simply explained that it was the way things were for now, but not always, and someday Baba would come home to live with them.

She emphasized this by fixing up Red's rooms in their townhouse and getting her daughter's input. At worst, they still had a few more years to go, but a best-case scenario was that with good behaviour Red could come home at anytime now. Nicky had chosen for Red one of the brightest rooms in her house. It had its own bathroom that connected onto another bedroom that Nicky had always wanted to also give Red, to use as a living area of her own. More than anything, Nicky wanted to give Red space to spread out and feel at home. She deserved to be spoiled and she deserved to be loved.

Galina had stopped reciting off every bit of knowledge she'd acquired and was listening intently. Red's mouth was moving but Nicky couldn't make out the words. She was smiling though and Nicky watched Galina giggle at whatever was being said.

"Kyle is my best friend," Galina said, likely in answer to whatever Red was asking her. "We went on the slide and then we did sleeping bunnies on the carpet…. it's a song! _See the little bunnies sleeping, till it's nearly noon…_"

Nicky listened to her daughter's sweet little voice sing out her favourite song from preschool. When she got to the _"Hop Little Bunnies" _part, Galina jumped up off her chair and began hopping in place, though she never once let go of the phone.

"Hunny Bunny," Nicky said brightly. "Maybe you want to go see the toys they've got over there? Give me a chance to talk to Baba, huh?"

Galina ignored this. She had stopped hopping and was back to listening to Red speak. "Tomorrow I'm going to go to the pool with the big waterslide!" Galina exclaimed. Red must have been asking her what their plans were. "No... not with mommy. My Grandma is taking me!"

"Okay," Nicky said loudly. "My turn." She pried the phone impatiently out of her daughter's hand, despite her daughter's protests. Red hadn't much reacted to the mention of 'Grandma' but Nicky was embarrassed about it. It felt like such a betrayal and she didn't want Red to have to imagine Marka enjoying time with _her _grandchild and namesake, when Red was stuck in there. When Nicky came to visit Red, she liked to pretend that Marka didn't exist.

"Go colour Baba a picture," Nicky shooed Galina over to the Kid's center in the corner. Then she came back and picked the phone up to speak to Red herself.

"She never would stop talking on her own," Nicky said playfully.

"I wonder who she gets that from?" Red replied.

Nicky sat down in the chair closest to the glass. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Galina scribbling on a colouring page with a pink crayon. She knew the drill and despite her initial fuss, she was fine now to amuse herself so her mom could talk to Red. Galina knew she would be rewarded with an ice-cream cone or pretty much whatever she wanted if she behaved. These visits meant too much to Nicky for her to ever risk her daughter acting up requiring her to leave early, and coming by herself was not an option when she wanted them to know one another.

"So, what can you tell me?" Nicky asked lightly. She expected Red to roll her eyes; say she'd much rather hear about their news. That talking about her own small and sad life was the last thing she ever felt like doing.

It was understood that things were different between them now. That Nicky being on the other side of the glass now meant that Red didn't share things with her the same way she did when they were part of the same world. Nicky didn't know if Red was coping or not, if other inmates were mean to her or showed her respect, if she had power or nothing.

She was dressed in pink scrubs and had been for a couple of years. Galina thought Red just wanted to dress in her favourite colour for her, and Nicky had never had the heart to tell her than was mere coincidence. Pink meant that Red had been placed into the safer dormitory whether because she was old, or sick, or unstable, Nicky had no way of knowing the reasoning and wouldn't ask. Red didn't like to talk about her life in prison, or about herself at all. She always turned it around to them, except this time.

"Vasily wrote me," Red said quietly.

Nicky tried to hide her surprise as she nodded her head. "Well, that's good, ain't it?" she said lightly, attempting to smile. "What did he say?"

"That he is coming to visit next Saturday," Red said nervously.

"Really?" Nicky said skeptically.

Long ago, Vasily had been a faithful visitor who came to see his mother as much as he could. His two older brothers had come also, but Vasily had been her most frequent. That was before everything had started to fall apart. Red had begun coming apart at the seams, less able to keep up the facade that she was coping, and her sons had all withdrawn. Their anger wasn't unfounded, but they had never even tried to understand what she was going through, or how being in a prison could change a person in their fight to survive.

Red rarely spoke about her sons to Nicky, but she knew that they didn't visit now. They would answer the phone, usually, when Red called and she received pictures in the mail so that she could document the growth of the grandchildren she would never know. Aside from that, they were almost completely estranged.

Nicky didn't even consider them a factor when she was planning for Red's future release. It never had occured to her that she might have to share Red with them, because they didn't want to share her right now. It was easy for Nicky to pretend that she and Galina were the only family Red had left in the world.

"So, I guess…" Nicky hesitated. "Do you want me not to come next Saturday? Give you some time alone with him?"

Red hesitated. "I don't want to tell you _not _to come," she replied.

"But you want to see him, right?" Nicky asked.

"He's my son," Red said simply, like the answer was obvious. She nodded her head in the direction of Galina, who was still busy colouring. "Wouldn't you want to see her again?"

"Ma…" Nicky sighed. "Of course, I would. But hopefully she wouldn't freeze me out for years in the first place."

"Hopefully you would never give her a reason to," Red said seriously. Her voice broke at the end. "It was my fault…"

"Not really," Nicky shook her head slowly. "And even if it was...that's some serious grudge holding."

"Do you think?" asked Red.

"Well…" Nicky shrugged and a smirk crossed her face. "Maybe not so much-when I think about who raised him."

She laughed at the stricken look on Red's face. "Tell you what," she said. "I'll stay home next Saturday so you can visit with Vasily alone the entire time. Then, when he leaves, you can call and tell me all about it. Huh?"

"Okay," Red said agreeably. She stretched out her hand flat against the glass and waited for Nicky to do the same. It might have been her imagination, but Nicky thought that she could feel the warmth of Red's skin permeating through the glass and it made her feel closer to her.

"You're still going to come live with me when this is over though, right?" Nicky asked her. "We can invite them over for Sunday dinner. You have to cook though, or we're ordering out."

"Nicky," Red sucked in her breath. "What would I have without you?"

Nicky could think of a lot of ways Red's life could have been different if they had never met. If Red hadn't loved her, she might not have hesitated to throw everyone else under the bus before they could turn on her. And that would have put her in a much better position. Except Red didn't think like that. She always made Nicky feel like a blessing, which was a resounding change from walking around her entire life feeling like a curse.

Back in the present, Nicky pulled herself out of her daydream….

She spat out her toothpaste and rinsed out her mouth. Then splashing some cold water on her face, she gave herself one final look in the mirror before walking into the bedroom where Galina was laying. Her daughter was turned onto her side, using her thumb to scroll through her phone. Nicky's heart swelled with love with her. She didn't say anything, just climbed into the bed beside her and wrapped her arms around her daughter, pulling her close.

Nicky loved being a mom. Choosing to have her daughter was the greatest decision she had ever made and though Galina had never really been any trouble, Nicky would never be able to say that motherhood was easy. Holding Galina close, Nicky inhaled the sweet scent of strawberry shampoo from her hair and felt a calmness wave over her, making her feel just a little bit better.

"I liked your singing," she whispered.

"Shut up," Galina rolled her eyes, stretching to place her phone on the nightstand. "I didn't know you could hear me."

"I haven't heard you sing in a long time," Nicky replied. "You used to put on a concert for Baba when we would visit her and I'd have to wrestle the phone from you so I could get two words in."

"How unfortunate for Baba's ears," Galina said.

"Do you remember?" Nicky asked quietly.

Galina yawned and nestled more tightly into Nicky's arms. It was obvious she was close to drifting off. "Only from your stories."

Nicky nodded, rubbing her cheek against her daughter's curls. As Galina's breathing became heavy and even with sleep, Nicky stared up through the window at the full moon that lit up the night sky. She was looking at it like it could possibly hold the answers she hadn't discovered yet.

Though no stone had been left unturned, in the examining, processing, and healing of her life, she still hadn't been able to accept everything that was. She was happy and fulfilled but there was always this depth of despair inside of her nobody could really understand.

It didn't make sense for her to be upset about Red right now, but it wasn't seeing Marka that was making her sad. It would be so much simpler if it was. What was hurting was that this was not the way the story was supposed to go. None of this was the way it was supposed to be.

**Thank you for reading. I appreciate the reviews. **


	5. Chapter 5

While her daughter lay peacefully beside her, Nicky tossed and turned all night. Her sleep was broken and restless, polluted by dark dreams that only heightened her anxiety. Marka drifted in and out of her mind. Sometimes as the mother she had been when Nicky was growing up, with the designer wardrobe and the haughty expression. Just when Nicky thought she was done sizing her up, Marka would disappear, only to be replaced by the feeble old woman in the chair they had visited that evening. The one who had become the stuff of Nicky's nightmares, because it was impossible to hate that version of Marka.

Red came to see her too. Looking so scared and alone, with icy blue eyes that silently pleaded for Nicky's love. And rather than recoil from this neediness, Nicky would reach out with the intention of hugging her and assuring her that things would be okay. Yet, before she could even touch her, there would be a clang. Bars would appear around Red, caging her like an animal. When Nicky tried to stick her arm through the iron for Red to clasp, she'd suddenly become aware of the glass that divided them. And then all she could do was stare.

After dreaming these malicious pictures, Nicky gave up on trying to get any sleep that night. Her mind was consumed with depressing thoughts and her nightshirt stuck uncomfortably to her sweaty back. She didn't move or do anything. She just lay there watching her daughter sleep, thankful for the opportunity to know her and have her. She knew this was exactly the way Red had felt about her _and _about her sons, whether Nicky thought they deserved it or not. She wondered if Marka regretted having squandered her chance to experience a love this pure with her only daughter.

Nicky's angst was completely unbeknownst to Galina, who slept beside her with a smile across her lips and her face relaxed. She had nothing to regret, unlike her mother, whose many sins weighed heavily down upon her constantly. It was why Nicky worked as hard as did, striving to save as many lost souls and help as many people as she could. It was her way of justifying her release from prison after naming Red to get it. Nicky needed to make her second chance count for something.

Except it didn't matter how much good she achieved; she would never escape the power of her guilt. The personal choices she had made in the riot, to break into the pharmacy and hand out drugs to junkies, could have seen her in prison for the rest of her life. Except that that would never have happened, because Nicky had good representation and had sacrificed Red to save herself. Nicky couldn't go back and change the past and she knew she never really could make it up to Red. Giving her daughter Red's name had been an obvious show of love, but it didn't change the course of Red's life, which had already been plead away.

"_Just go see your mom, man_," Nicky could remember begging.

She had gone to visit Red's son only once, in the early weeks of her own release. It had been a disaster. Vasily had eyed her with a mixture of skepticism and intrigue. He hadn't seemed comfortable having her on his front porch, refrained from inviting her inside, but had reluctantly admitted that he knew who she was from conversations with Red over the years.

It had been a touching moment for Nicky to realize how much Red had talked about her to her family. It made their relationship seem more real, to know that Red considered her a daughter both inside prison and in the real world as well. Though Vasily's discomfort was obvious, Nicky's heart felt only slightly deflated by his reaction. He looked like someone who had grieved his mother in a hundred different ways and didn't know what to do anymore. That Red could have found comfort in replacing him with Nicky hurt beyond comprehension, and the possessive manner in which he spoke of his mother made is abundantly clear to Nicky how much he really resented her.

He added next to nothing to their brief conversation. He confessed without remorse that he hadn't been back since the failed visit with his children, and had no real intention of returning in the present time. He hadn't known how to help her and had been pushed away by his mother enough times in the past to avoid her now with a clear conscience. All of Nicky's insistences that Red needed her family's support now more than ever, fell on deaf ears. And the fact that Nicky counted herself as an equal member of that family, seemed to rub him the wrong way. She wasn't a sister; she was a rival.

"My relationship with my mother is not any of your business," Vasily had spoken so coldly to her that Nicky still got shivers when she remembered that day. "But listening to you go on about what a good mom she has been to you, doesn't exactly make me at all inclined to go see her. Quite the opposite, in fact. She hasn't acted like a mother to me in a very long time."

Nicky had wanted to argue with him but hadn't really known how to go about it in a way that wouldn't make the situation worse. She had come to see him for Red's sake, not to stroke her own ego. She wasn't there to make him feel inferior, by describing her closeness with his mom. She was there because she sincerely believed Red needed all of their love to help her get through everything.

It had been like talking to a brick wall though and after failing with Vasily, she never bothered speaking to the other two. She'd walked away from this meeting with a heavy heart, not liking Red's son anymore than he had liked her. Which was a profound disappointment because she had wanted to like him. She'd have loved to develop a bond with all three of them; a sibling camaraderie, though she'd have settled for at least being friends. It wasn't even for herself, but because she knew how much it would have meant to Red to come home to all of her children together.

She tried to compensate for the lack of family by being everything to Red by herself, just as Red had done for her. Nicky would never forget the feel of Red's firm, yet gentle, hands, guiding her and cradling her through the worst effects of her withdrawal. Their connection had been instantaneous, and once she was feeling well again, Nicky had followed Red around like a second shadow, delighting in her attention as Red bustled about the kitchen, experiencing a level of normalcy and motherly affection that she had never received from Marka. Nicky couldn't remember the exact moment in time that Red had become 'Mom' to her. From their first meeting, her soul had already known.

"How's my girl?" Red must have been aware of Nicky lingering just outside of her cube at the minimum-security prison. Though she hadn't even bothered to look up from her book, she had been watching Nicky from the corner of her eye for several minutes, wanting to give her the opportunity to approach her on her own. When Nicky seemed hesitant, Red had eventually conceded to call out to her.

She had marked her place in her book and beckoned Nicky closer with a wave of her hand. Nicky took a few steps into the cube until she was standing at the foot of Red's bed. Her knees bumped against the cool metal and she focused her eyes on the cover of the book Red was reading. A novel on the recent bestseller list, and clearly not picked off of the library shelf.

"Your girl?" Nicky had asked uncertainly.

Red had smiled and patted a space on the mattress beside herself. "How are you feeling?" Nicky could remember her asking, like the answer really mattered to her. She had listened intently to Nicky's thoughts and when silence naturally fell between them, she did not force herself to fill it. Instead she picked up her book and resumed her reading, leaving Nicky to question whether she had been excused, until Red placed an encouraging hand on her arm that incited her to stay.

"My bunk is there now," Nicky had informed her, pointing over the half partition wall to the cube that was directly next to Red's. She had just been moved that morning. Now changed from her orange into khaki, she was officially integrated into the prison society.

"Right next door to me," Red had purred, flipping a page in her book. "How convenient."

"What do you mean?" Nicky had asked.

"It will allow me to keep an eye on you," Red had answered with a smirk. Her eyes scanned over the page of her book and she had murmured, perhaps, more to herself than to Nicky. "Something tells me that I'm going to need to."

That conversation had taken place mere days after their first meeting but Nicky had already felt that she belonged to Red. Things had been so easy with her. Red never acted like Nicky was a burden or unwanted nuisance; she just loved her, even when she was angry, or stressed, or preoccupied with other things. Nicky had never stopped being her girl.

Lying in bed, Nicky's hands tightened around the blankets and she squeezed her eyes shut. She had so many memories with Red to last a lifetime. She didn't often indulge them. Remembering and mourning were often too painful to bear and it was easier to let her go. Sometimes Nicky needed to look away and find different ways to honour Red that didn't repeatedly break her heart. Nicky knew Red would be proud of the woman she'd become but Nicky still wanted more than that. She wanted Red to be there.

"Ma," Nicky whispered out loud to herself. How long had it been since she had said those words? Way longer than she cared to think about. She sighed and carefully pulled back the covers and slipped out of the bed, taking great care to not disturb her sleeping daughter.

She padded across the hotel floor and picked up her lighter and packet of smoke on the coffee table, before pulling open the sliding door that led to their patio. The heavenly summer breeze tickled her cheeks and was refreshingly cool, blowing across the water. The sun rising over the lake was a beautiful sight to behold. She fumbled awkwardly with her cigarette and succeeded in lighting it. Then she brought it to her lips for a long drag.

Nothing ever turns out the way that it should. Several years ago, as Nicky walked down a paved road through the cemetery, all she could keep thinking to herself was how wrong this all was. She had wanted it to be a mistake. Red was supposed to have been getting out soon. Her dedicatedly prepared rooms in Nicky's home had been waiting for her and Galina had been told all her life that someday Baba would be able to spend every day with her.

That all of that could change with one phone call from a son that chose to neither acknowledge Nicky or put in the effort to truly sustain a close relationship with their mother, seemed absurd. Nicky hadn't wanted to believe it at all when Vasily had called her. She was still too shocked to truly process it. How could things go wrong so quickly? How could she have missed all the signs? Nothing could have prepared her for such a tragic end.

"Would you like me to hang back or come with you?" Marka had asked briskly. She pulled the sides of her black blazer closed and fastened the button. Uncertainly, she'd shot her daughter a glance out of the corner of her eye and smoothed down the front of her grey pencil skirt. Nicky had been walking beside her, head down, wearing a simple black pantsuit. At the lack of response, Marka had raised her eyebrows. "Huh?" she'd pressed.

"Do whatever you want," Nicky had muttered. She shoved her hands more deeply into the pockets of her black jacket. Her keys were in the right one and she'd curled her fingers around them, needing something to grip.

"What do you want, Nicole?" Marka had asked again, but Nicky had only shrugged and walked ahead. Marka had paused and reached her hand out for the little girl lagging behind them. Galina had looked especially beautiful in that moment, dressed in a simple black wool dress and white tights, that made her resemble a little nun. She'd been unusually quiet the whole day. Sensing the sadness in her mom, had been sticking especially close to her Grandmother. She ran up in her black Mary Jane's to grip Marka's hand.

"Are we going there?" she had asked, pointing her finger in the direction of the small group of people already congregated in the cemetery on that chilly autumn day.

"Yes," Marka had whispered back.

"Are they saying bye to Baba too?" Galina had asked loudly.

"Yes," Marka had whispered again. "That's her family."

"They're related to her," Nicky had spoken, whirling around to face them once she had heard what they were saying. She glared at Marka and lifted her chin definitely. "That's all you needed to say."

Marka had gripped Galina's hand a little more tightly and pulled the girl even closer to her side, as though suddenly afraid that Nicky might pry her away. Her lips pursed and she raised her own chin to match Nicky's. "This is a sad day for all of you, Nicole," she had said coldly. "Please don't say anything you'll regret."

Nicky had turned back around to proceed to the place where she had come to lay Red to a final rest. She could make out a tiny glimpse of the simple wooden coffin resting next to the pile of freshly dug earth. Yet it was surrounded by people, and none of them appeared to be crying. Nicky could pick out Yuri, Maxim, and Vasily from the crowd, and noted Dmitri looking appropriately contrite on a stone bench not too far away. The rest of the people Nicky couldn't name, but they were probably a mix of grandchildren, daughters-in-law, and friends of Red's sons. All these people were present for Red's death, but none of them had bothered to visit her when she was alive.

"Look at them!" Nicky exclaimed in a hushed whisper, once Marka had caught up to her. "Did they even shower before they showed up today?"

"Nicky!" Marka hissed.

"It's like they don't even care," Nicky grimaced. Not one of Red's boys was wearing a tie. This missed detail annoyed Nicky more than she could say. Yuri looked like he hadn't combed his hair in days, and Maxim had on a pair of running shoes that clashed horribly with his dress pants.

"I bet they care at least as much as you'll care when I'm dead," Marka shot back quietly. "Let's not even go over there if you're going to cause a scene."

"Oh, we're going," Nicky huffed. With her head held high, she walked the rest of the way in silence. The sounds of their shoes crunching through the leaves fallen from the maple trees was absurdly loud and they drew all the eyes as they approached the grave plot.

"If Lina has trouble staying quiet, I'll take her for a walk to get her energy out," Marka murmured in Nicky's ear as they reached the group at last.

They were the last to arrive but they hadn't been late. The minister was waiting a few more minutes to allow for anyone else who might be inclined to mourn the end of Red's life, but they were all that there was. None of the others that Nicky had known in prison had bothered to come. Nobody else had ever bothered to visit her and though Nicky still talked to Piper and Alex on the regular, they never had bothered to inquire into Red's wellbeing.

While Marka had guided Galina to shake hands with the Reznikov family and express sympathy, Nicky had walked purposefully over to the casket without acknowledging anyone. She had thought she had cried herself dry already, but seeing Red's coffin put a whole new element of realism into the situation and it broke her. Nicky had crumpled to her knees, placing a shaking palm on the wood, and sobbing.

The coffin had been cheap and basic. Nicky would have been able to buy her mother a much nicer one but Vasily had turned down her offer when he'd called to tell her what had happened. An enormous bouquet of roses was set on top. Ribbons were entwined within the flowers. Words inscribed. Mama and Baba. The two titles that Red had always held the most dear.

"Shall we begin?" The officiant had suggested. Nicky had wiped her sleeve across her teary eyes and staggered up to her feet.

Her vision had been blurry. Nicky had peered around the mournful group. She glanced at each of Red's sons in turn, all three looking stricken, pained, and a little ashamed. Their hands were clasped tightly in front of them. Their children fidgeted and moved around, not understanding, or caring, about who they were gathered for. Nicky had half a mind to ask them if the ribbon for _Baba _had been selected for Galina alone? She had been the only grandchild to have the opportunity to know Red.

"Shush, darling." Nicky had been so consumed that she hadn't noticed Marka walk over to stand at her side. She had Galina up in her arms. The little girl's face had been nuzzled in her Grandma's neck and Marka was rocking her when she reached a hand up to squeeze Nicky's shoulder. Nicky didn't have enough strength to push her away.

"I didn't see her before she died," she confessed regretfully, as the minister began to speak.

"Shush," Marka murmured. "You went all the time. What more could you do?"

"I didn't go last week," Nicky hissed back, tears spilling down her cheeks. "He wanted to go instead." She waved her hand angrily in the direction of Vasily, who was staring intently at the minister and had not acknowledged Nicky's presence since she had gotten there.

"Well, he had the right to see her as much as you did," Marka quietly replied.

"Sure," Nicky rolled her eyes angrily. "If he had bothered to actually turn up. She didn't get any visitors that day and then she died that night."

"A tragic coincidence," Marka said back. "That doesn't mean anything."

It might not have meant anything to Marka, but Nicky knew she would never forgive Vasily for getting Red's hopes up and depriving her one faithful visitor the opportunity to see her before she died. Nicky was convinced Red had died of a broken heart and nobody could change her mind about that.

Nicky continued lighting cigarettes. Watching the sun begin to rise in the distance as the stars disappeared from sight. The water on the lake was as smooth and still as glass right now. Aside from the occasional ripples from a fish who jumped into the air. She relished in the opportunity to lose herself in her memories. Instead of her usual method of distraction. Right now, she invited the pain that the past invoked. Seeing Marka had forced her back into the dark crevices of her mind. There were some things she could only forget for so long.

"Good morning, Mom," Galina said, yawning loudly as she walked out to join Nicky on the porch.

"What are you doing up?" Nicky asked, being broken out of her reverie. She recovered quickly, holding out her arm to give her daughter a light squeeze as she passed. "What time is it?"

"It's seven," Galina said, walking over to the lounge chair and taking a seat. She hadn't heard Nicky get out of bed before and had no idea how long she had been outside. She didn't know how much heavy thoughts had been tormenting her mind all night.

"I was thinking if we got an early start, we could make it back to the nursing home early enough to help Grandma with her breakfast," Galina said thoughtfully. "And maybe we could take her out for the day?"

"Well, actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Nicky said. "I've been giving this a lot of thought…"

It had been nagging on her mind all throughout the night. The more she remembered Red, the more hopeless she began to feel. There was so much she couldn't do. So many things that she couldn't change. Except for this...

Nicky offered her daughter a reassuring small smile as she walked over to take the seat beside her. This nagging idea wouldn't leave her alone ever since the visit yesterday with Marka. There were things she needed to change to feel better about herself.

"What would you think about bringing Grandma home to live with us?" Nicky asked skeptically. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she saw her daughter's eyes light up. This pleased Nicky, but it also made her feel wary. Now that she'd offered, there was really no turning back.

"Are you serious?" Galina asked, looking shocked.

"Apparently," Nicky nodded.

"But you're never home," Galina pointed out. "You work all the time. How are you going to take care of her if she lives with us all the time?"

"I'm going to find her a good nurse," Nicky replied, she had already given a lot of thought into how to make this potential new arrangement work. "A team of nurses, actually. I think Grandma needs someone with her around the clock."

"Sounds expensive," Galina said wisely.

Nicky shrugged. "That's not really an issue for us," she reminded her daughter. "We can afford it. Grandma can get the same exact care at home with us that she gets at the nursing home, and I think it will be a nicer environment for her. More stimulating and you can spend time with her everyday."

"This will make her so happy," Galina smiled. "Can I be the one to tell her?"

"Of course," Nicky grinned back. Her confidence in her decision was steadily growing. She knew in her heart that this was the right thing to do. Galina adored her Grandmother and deserved to have her close, and Nicky had too many resources at her hand to keep Marka in a facility when she was capable of living a much more fulfilling life.

"How long do you think it will take to get things ready?" Galina asked.

"Not long," Nicky shrugged. "The rooms are already prepared. I'll give her Baba's suite."

"Really?" Galina blinked. She looked surprised. "You don't like anybody going in there," she pointed out. "Not even me. Are you sure you're feeling okay, mom?"

"Yeah," Nicky nodded. "It's been a long time...and I guess I'm finally ready to accept the truth. That Baba isn't coming home."

"Mom…" Galina sighed. "She died like nine years ago."

"Baba didn't just die," Nicky replied bitterly. "She died all alone without anybody to hold her hand and remind her that they loved her. She died without seeing her son, who stood her up, after getting her hopes up that he was finally coming to visit."

"Grandma told me that he didn't visit because he had to take his son to the doctor," Galina said quietly. "She told me that Vasily told her at the funeral that he was completely devastated about missing his last chance to see her."

"See...I never bought that excuse," Nicky shook her head.

"You don't believe that his son had to go to the doctor?" Galina asked.

"No, I buy it," Nicky replied. "But there are so many other factors at play here…he could have sent one of his brothers in his place, he could have told me to come ahead…he could have kept up regular visits instead of ignoring her for years so that that day hadn't been such a big deal."

"Maybe it was hard for him to see his mom in prison," Galina said logically. "Or maybe he was mad at her for getting sent there in the first place."

"Both are probably true," Nicky said fairly. "But that's not an excuse. She was the best woman I ever knew."

"I'm sorry, mom," Galina said quietly. "I wish I could have had the chance to know her that way. I don't even remember-"

"It's okay," Nicky whispered. "You're right that it has been a long time. I just can't seem to let her go. There was nothing I wouldn't have done for her and in the end, it didn't matter anyway. I couldn't save her."

"You never would have put her in a nursing home," Galina said flatly. It was a statement, not a question. Her eyes pierced into Nicky's. "I never really understood why you put Grandma in a nursing home so far from us. I thought she was just so incapacitated by the stroke that there was no other option, and I didn't question it."

Galina paused, staring at her mother, waiting for some sort of rebuttal. Nicky pressed her lips tightly together for a moment before replying. When she spoke, it was not a defense, just a factual statement. "I would not have put Red in a nursing home," she admitted.

"Then why did you put Grandma in one?" Galina demanded. "You just admitted that you can provide her with the same amount of care at home."

Nicky had been expecting this question and was prepared for it. She had promised herself that she would be honest. Galina deserved the truth, but even more than that, Nicky thought she had a right to be totally known by her daughter. Galina knew most everything but Nicky had always steered away from discussing Marka with her, and the strained relationship she had always shared with her.

"I sent her away because I didn't want her," Nicky said honestly. "Even if we have nurses to take care of her, it's still going to be an adjustment having her there all the time. She will still need help from both of us."

Galina nodded her understanding. "I don't mind helping her," she said.

"I know you don't," Nicky smiled sadly. "But _I _mind. I didn't think she deserves my help."

Galina frowned. "How can you say that?"

"Marka has always been a good grandmother to you," Nicky admitted begrudgingly. "But she wasn't always a good mother to me."

An image flashed through her mind, of herself, crying hysterically as she watched her mother walking back towards the car without her. At the delicate age of three, Nicky was being dropped off at overnight camp for an entire week away from home. The prime purpose of this experience was to get her out of her mother's hair for a week, which bothered her especially now that she had a baby of her own. Nicky could never have done that to Galina at that age. She got enough anxiety in the early years just be dropping her off with the nanny so that she could go to work. Red's sons hadn't even been weaned off of her breast at that same age, yet Marka had been intent on pushing Nicky away from her since she'd been born. Now she was supposed to feel guilty for leaving Marka at a nursing home?

"What did she do wrong?" Galina asked.

"She just wasn't very involved," Nicky shrugged. "Always more caught up in her own life and commitments than in spending time with me. There was no discipline, guidance, laughter, or affection. We were just always two people who were related but didn't really feel connected. Marka would gladly throw money at anything if it meant she could get out of actually having to interact with me."

"Her money did you a ton of good too, remember," Galina replied. "It paid for your rehab and medical procedures. She bailed you out of jail and paid all of your legal fees. And then once you got better, she bought you our house, helped you start the foundation, and even helped you have me."

"I'm not saying she is evil," Nicky agreed. "I'm saying she wasn't a very attentive mother and that I suffered for that. Even if all my needs were met, I still wanted her and she wasn't willing. Nicky swallowed a lump in her throat. "And I think I've been giving that back."

"What do you mean?" Galina frowned.

"I put Marka in a highly rated nursing home where she receives excellent care," Nicky replied. "There's nothing essentially wrong with that, just like there is nothing wrong with her hiring an excellent nanny to take care of me."

"I don't think she did anything with the intention of hurting you," Galina said softly. "I think she did the best she could."

"It wasn't her best," Nicky replied. "Because she was capable of doing a complete transformation when you were born."

"That's different though," Galina argued. "She always said the great thing about being a Grandma is that she can give me back."

Nicky sighed. The relationship that Marka and Galina shared was a very close one and there was nothing that Nicky could really critique about it. Except that she wished her daughter had been able to experience that with Red. It was a loss for all of them. Nicky missed Red every single day of her life and the potential for what could have been.

"So, what made you change your mind?" Galina asked. "Why do you want to bring Grandma home now, all of a sudden?"

"Thinking about Baba," Nicky replied. "Or rather, thinking about when she had died and the expressions on her sons' faces when we buried her. I don't ever want to look like that."

"What did they look like?" Galina asked.

"Guilty," Nicky said automatically.

"What were they guilty about?" Galina asked. "She died in prison. They didn't put her in prison. It was just a sad situation."

"On paper, they had nothing to really feel guilty about, I suppose," Nicky reasoned. "Baba and me grew incredibly close because I could be there with her and they couldn't. I think they resented what a mother she became to me because she was giving to me what she no longer could give to them. They weren't willing to give her a pass for the way prison changes a person and for how her suffering impacted her."

"Maybe they couldn't relate or understand," said Galina.

"And when she died, they lost all opportunity to ever make it right," said Nicky. "They let her go before they even had to and even though they didn't necessarily do anything wrong, I am certain what happened to her still weighs heavily on them. I wonder if they'll ever be able to be truly at peace with their choices, and I don't want to find that out someday for myself."

"With Grandma?" Galina verified.

"Yes," Nicky nodded. "Baba never got to meet her other grandchildren, besides you. Vasily had good reasons to not want to bring them to prison to see her, just like when you were born I had genuine concerns about allowing Grandma to be in your life, but now I know that one of the best things I've ever done is working past my own issues so that you could have her."

The tension between Nicky and Marka had always been decipherable but it wasn't until now that Galina had really considered how much it could have impacted her own relationship with her Grandmother. Nicky could have kept her away, it must have been difficult to watch Marka do for her granddaughter, what she had never much done for her.

Marka had evolved. She had learned from her past mistakes so that she didn't repeat them with her granddaughter. It also helped that Galina and she had shared interests and pursuits, which always gave them lots to talk about and meant that they didn't need to try too hard to enjoy spending time with one another. Although, for Nicky, it had meant a lifetime of questioning why she wasn't good enough, before meeting Red who had loved her for exactly who she was.

"Let's go get dressed, huh?" Nicky suggested, giving her daughter a playful nudge. "We'll make it over to the home in time for breakfast."

"Sounds good," Galina said brightly, immediately getting to her feet. She smirked at her mother. "And good on you for setting such a precedent, because now you can rest assured knowing I will one-hundred percent take care of you in your old age."

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Nicky rolled her eyes. "Besides, I'm basically immortal." She pulled her daughter into a warm embrace and kissed the top of her curly mane. Nicky's heart felt lighter and her soul less crushing, having finally been able to let go of the resentment and hurt that she had been carrying. She knew Marka had changed for Galina and that the potential for a resolution between her and Nicky still existed. It wasn't too late, if both were willing, for them to do more than co-exist. Nicky knew she was doing the right thing and somewhere, wherever she was, Nicky knew that Red would be proud of her.

**Thank you for reading. **


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